Divorce - Finding Compromise

Getting a divorce is hard, even under the best circumstances. Whether it's the moment you look into your spouses eyes and declare it's over, the moment you find out your spouse is leaving, or simply the moment the signature actually hits the paperwork, it occurs for everyone the same. This is just plain hard.

One of the biggest challenges is that both parties have different view points and are trying desperately to compromise in many areas: finances, personal belongings and child custody rights. While they are all important, money seems to be the easiest one to fight about, because even aloud, the argument seems rational. Though while it seems the most rational to argue about, much of the bitterness comes from: if you only knew how I felt…
Myth: It is easier to be the one that is leaving, rather than being "left."

Truth: It is difficult to accept that your marriage has failed, no matter which side you are on. If you are being left, clearly you are not over your love for that person and wish you could stay together. Yet if you are the one leaving, you are left dealing with abandoning someone, removing children from a "family unit" and the prospect of choosing to be alone. It is sad, no matter which side you are on. Just different.

So, the question is, how do you manage a civilized conversation with this person you love or once loved, when both of you are hurt and angry with each other? It will no doubt be a challenge, but there are strategies that can help.

1 - Take a step away from how you feel now and remember that at one time in your life, you were certain this was going to be the one you loved forever. Try to visualize the love you had. Feel it and embrace it. Remember that it is what got you to where you are in your life right now.

2- Consider that if you are the one leaving, your spouse has not had time to prepare for this emotionally, even if you've been fighting for years. So you're place of forward action may not be where he/she is yet. Be considerate that they my need some time to process before making any decisions.

3- Consider that if you are the one being left, your spouse has no doubt been feeling the same hurt you are feeling now, but has been experiencing it for quite some time. It only looks abrupt because this may be the first time you are aware of it.

4- Acknowledge that you are both hurt. The person leaving is hurt because they feel they weren't getting what they needed. The person being left is hurt because they weren't ready to stop loving yet. Either way you look at it…the anger that is coming out is simply a reaction to the pain.

5- Try to remove yourself emotionally when dividing up personal belongings. Simplify everything the best you can and be reasonable. Listen to his/her words without trying to interpret what is really meant by it. It is just a couch. There may be many memories attached to the couch, but when it comes right down to it, it is just a couch. Is it worth fighting about?

6- Fighting over custody arrangements is a simple one. Just don't do it. Your children were brought into this world by both of you, and deserve to have the impact of both of you in their lives forever. Even if you parent differently and don't agree with how the other one parents, they are still an important part of your child's' life. Remember that just because you have declared you don't want to live with this person, your children have not declared that and should not have that declared for them.

7- Most importantly, when things begin to get heated, sit back and take a deep breathe and try to imagine if you were on the other side of the table. Take a deep breathe and remember what remains true: I am sorry this marriage didn't work and don't want to hurt you.

Divorce should not be a vindictive thing to do, but an action needed in your life so you can move forward and ultimately find happiness. If you feel anger and rage towards yours spouse, I recommend seeking counsel or finding a Life Coach to help you sort through the next stages in your life. Compromise will be difficult until you can let go of the anger, and will be an emotional roller coaster for many months, but all you need is a few hours a week, where you can be reasonable and rational and find a happy medium.

The sooner you can get to a place of reason, the sooner both of you will find happiness, which should be the ultimate goal of divorce, no matter which side you are on.